Fear

This is a spoken word piece I performed last night at a spoken word event. Nerves may have caused me to drop a few lines as I said it, but here’s the full piece.

 

I am terrified most of the time! I know fear like an inmate knows every crack and mark and line of his confines behind the bars that he clings to. You’ve seen it too, this fear. It’s in your eyes when you run and hide. It’s in your tears as you try to smile. I can smell it on you like something that’s been dead for a while.

See it’s two o’ clock on the playground, and I know he’s coming around because he said, “Hey! I’ll see you there when the school’s out.” I’ve seen the damage he’s done before and I know what this is about.

See it’s late at night on the streets, and I need 1) something to eat, 2) a place to sleep, 3) at the very, very least, a bus stop retreat. I know morning is coming and I don’t wanna be beat. I know morning is coming and I don’t want to be beat.

See it’s just before I come home and cross solid oak hard wood shiny floors, and climb into bed with the wife that I adore. And I can’t give her more, of me, so I give it to the girl next door.

See it’s my first day at university. Diversity is overwhelming. More options for wrong things than I’d ever expected there to be, and my reputation is up for grabs like a new girl at a frat party. And I’m convinced they’ll find out who I really am eventually.

See it’s opening night. I got stage fright. I step up to the mic, but I can’t get the words out right. Crowds! Cameras! Lights! And I’d rather set myself alight than burn up as I fight to open restricted oxygen air pipes.

See it’s fear… fear that grips, from your toes to your fingertips, and makes you slip and plays mind tricks. It’s not limited to age or creed or race, or past or name or time or sex or place.

“When I survey…” what looks like another night of terror and fright, because it’s dark and I can’t see without the light so, Stop. It. Please. Let me wake from this dream that leaves me exhausted from unrealistic expectancy: fear!

Fear. Like a sheep among the wolves – out of place and about to be slaughtered. Yet, like fools that pay too much for too little, I believe the words “the Lord is my Shepherd.” And with this truth, I send fear running like an avalanche that can’t stop, can’t stop crumbling. Despite my subconscious intent where my thoughts grow teeth and suck blood and come through air vents.

I need not feel this fear.